The Dawning of A New Day

When I originally posted this in the Southern Arizona Gender Alliance yahoo discussion group, it was titled “Coming Out…All Over Again, and Opening Doors Long Shut.” But the title above is more accurate on the nature of my journey.

Please pray for me to remain faithful and strong as I follow the path laid out before me.

On October 17, I presented a discussion on the intersection of the Bible and TLBG, titled “Did the Bible REALLY Say THAT?” to about 25 attendees at the newly launched TransForm Arizona conference. It was the last step in sealing for me the realization that I needed to take the next big step in my transition.

Transition is an odd thing. And we seem to consider it as principally OUR own experience, and specifically about our TRANSGENDER experience. But transition is really a life experience, that is way more intense for some (notably us) and barely noticeable for others. It is, however, a common experience for everyone, and it is hopefully a lifelong process of growth.

It throws our lives into total chaos. It can consume us if we let it. It can, however, also re-make us, and compel us along a path we would have been afraid to follow had we chosen NOT to step into the refining cauldron.

This may not be true for everyone, but for me it is an unalterable, and newly compelling, truth.

I am, today, more capable and more confident than at any time in my life. Why? Because I have allowed myself to find out who I am, and in so doing have allowed my God to re-make me into who He has called me to be. And I have very recently chosen to accept some of the responsibility that has come with that gift.

To ease the suspense, the Coming Out All Over Again means that I am now ready to openly let it be known to all those who do not know, that I am a Christian. And I have accepted the probability that that realization may put me in an odd position of having my feet in two communities that consider each other to be anathema, and are, themselves, separated from the mainstream of our culture

Opening Doors Long Shut has to do with my “Year Of Silence” several years ago, where Erin, the Energizer Bunny, suddenly disappeared without explanation. The two, Out All Over Again and Opening Doors, are in fact inexorably linked, and bring me to where I am today…the next step in my transition—not directly in terms of gender, but on the continuum of personal growth.

When I was five or six, I had a dream that has stuck in my memory clearly for almost half a century. I talked to my grandmother about it the next morning, and she told me that sometimes dreams help to show us the pathway for our lives. I still have the impression that at that moment, I knew I had a destiny to serve, and fight for, others. I told my ex-wife about this when we were first dating, and have shared it with only a few others in my life.

Over the years, I have not forgotten that dream, yet, it has been decades since I believed it would ever really amount to anything.

Twenty years ago, while I was serving as an Company Commander an Army, I was outed as a “cross dresser”; my career, and my life, shattered into a thousand pieces, blown to the corners of the earth by the unforgiving and uncaring wind. In that moment, my marriage crumbled to dust, and I all but gave up on finding work that matched my abilities.

It was at that time, when I felt like I was whale poop in the Marianas Trench, I began to feel that God was calling me to something. I was pretty sure at that point He wanted me to start a church, and many of the people around me felt the same way…but first we all felt I needed to defeat the cross dressing problem in my life (no one, especially me, wanted to admit that it could be anything more elemental, like being transgender) . I tried. I REALLY tried. Then, I tried with everything I had. And I tried again. And again. To no avail.

But I could not shake the feeling that God wanted me to do something for him. And to do it among people who would not be accepted through the doors of most churches. But I did not know who.

In January of 2000, I quit fighting against myself. I turned to God and told him that I was transsexual (BOY was He surprised…yeah. right.), and that I had run out of ways to fight against it. I told Him that it was time for me to find out what that side of me was all about, and that I would stop if He made it go away, but if He did not, I was going to find out who I was. Over the past almost decade, I have been more than mildly surprised to find that He was there with me all the way, and helping me to make the steps I needed to take. He has taught me a lot about myself, the world, and Him through my journey.

One lesson I had to learn was to be patient and wait for things to unfold over time, rather than running off to make things happen in my own time. Those who know me, know that I can generate a lot of energy around a cause, and charge off to try to accomplish the impossible, not realizing that it might not be time, or it might not fit the need of those around me.

Four or five years ago, on the Sunday of Memorial Day week-end, while I was praying at a conference called “Spiritfest” in Dallas, God ask me if I was willing to die for Him in some obscure foreign land…to which I, as a good little Christian should, promptly answered yes, and meant it. He then ask me if I was willing to give all I had for Him. I could not answer anywhere near as quickly or positively. But I did answer yes, again, because that is what any good little Christian is supposed to do, give up everything for God (now you may see why so many good little Christians have so many problems—they are so busy chasing the “should” they miss what God REALLY wants). And, again, I meant it, though it filled me with trepidation. And here, I missed a subtle point…God was asking me to give Him ALL I had; He was NOT asking me to GIVE UP anything.

I was sure I knew what He meant. I was miserable, but within a couple months I began the process of transitioning back to the male role I so utterly hated. Again, for those who have known me a while, this is when I disappeared into what I call my silent year. I failed miserably. I was suicidal, and I was useless. But it was in this period of time, that I began to truly understand how much God really did not care about what I looked like and what His plan was for me.

Until now I have not talked about that period much, and many people think it was something imposed by my church. The truth is that I was not pushed, compelled or required by the church to do anything along those lines. I was the one who got it wrong and went chasing hell for leather after a mirage.

But, I learned. I learned to be patient, and to hold myself back and to try to keep the horses and the cart in the proper order. While I am not always successful, even now, I am also a bit less petulant.

My journey is far from over. Just the opposite, it is just getting interesting. I now know that God was asking me to step out of all my closets and out from behind my many masks. He has been asking all along for me to simply be myself and trust him…this is what He meant when he ask me if I would give all I had…that I would trust Him to place me where I was the most effective, and for him to direct my paths and efforts; and for me to allow Him to protect me, rather than doing it myself.

And Now, I have been given an opportunity to move the vision forward, to start the task God has called me to, with the blessing of the church I have attended for most of my transition.

And so it is that I announce the formation of Adullam Church, here in Tucson, beginning November 8th, at 2:00 PM MST in the fellowship hall of Cornerstone Fellowship, at 2902 North Geronimo Ave, Tucson, AZ.

The church has a Facebook Group, Adullam Church, which is open to anyone wishing to join. And we will soon have a Blog and a website.

Adullam Church is to be a place where anyone, but especially those ignored or ostracized by other churches, is welcome to come and to seek an understanding of what Biblical Christianity is, and who Jesus is. In a wilderness place called Adullam, David hid from Saul, and the outcasts flocked to him because they realized that David was the man chosen by God for that time, and they left that place radically changed, not into elitists, but into a group of champions for the rest of the oppressed in their region. At Adullam Church our goal is to provide the same opportunity for people to meet Jesus and have their lives turned around in a powerful way.

Adullam is not your mother’s church. It is not your father’s church. It is not even your brother or sister’s church. It is simply God’s church, and I hope it will be different. Everyone is welcome, and all are invited. You do not have to be Christian to come, just interested in giving Christianity one more chance